Another Question:

Jesus,
I live with my boyfriend and we're about to be married in three weeks. I believe that the reason you (or was it God) said that you aren't suppose to have sex before marriage is because of the rate of divorce and jealousy these days and all the diseases that have been spreading around. I've contacted a virus because of it, and it is my own personal Hell. Don't worry, it's not the virus you're thinking about. Anyway, I just think He or You were giving us a heads up about what would happen and we just didn't listen.

Just more shit I didn’t say.

First of all, people who claim to know how and for what God punishes are arrogant fools. Punishment is a concept that was created by people who wish to use religion as a means of control. This is a grave sin.

You know that pre-marital sex is not wrong—I’m sure you do. Any doubt you have is a result of selfish rules put in place in the interests of those in power and not the people expected to abide by them. Some rules are necessary to protect people, but some are simply put in place because people have a long history of getting off on controlling the behavior of others. People were built to have sex. It becomes wrong when people are irresponsible and don’t realize the full impact of their actions. In some cases, unwanted children are the result. Other times, people get emotionally hurt. Sometimes, people are degraded. And of course, sometimes people get VD. The no sex before marriage rule makes sense when you look at it in this light. The problem is that it shouldn’t be a “rule”; it shouldn’t be taken literally. It simply suggests that if people love each other, they are less likely to hurt each other. If people are prepared for the consequences or able to protect themselves from them, and mature enough to not deliberately hurt any of the parties involved, there is no reason the marriage rule need apply to them. Don’t tell the pope I said that.

And of course, sex in wedlock doesn't prevent disease. Masturbation can't get you pregnant. Puritan attitudes have done more harm than good in the sex department. They are blocking the road to healthy sexuality and education. People need to have an educated and mature outlook on sex and nudity; unfortunately, many pious people claim that even talking about sex is bad. People in America are very naïve about sex and their own bodies. In these cases, sex can become degrading and gratuitous.

I’m very sorry about your situation, but it really has nothing to do with me, I promise. It isn’t a punishment; it’s just a fact of life—it’s a mere coincidence that it was you and not someone else. I’m sorry if that seems abrupt. See, the Big G gave up control of every little detail of life on this planet a long time ago and just let evolution take over. There are bacterium and viruses that found a niche in human sexuality. Seriously, your science teacher wasn’t full of shit.

Ticket to Ride

I am enthusiastic about the dialogue that has been opening up recently. However, I am troubled, though not entirely surprised, by the degree of hostility coming from everyone. Not only those who seem to consider themselves experts on me, or at least the “me” they insist I am, but from those who wish to defend me from the onslaught of doubt, fear and detraction. I thank you all, but please remember that petty banter will get us nowhere. We must properly explain ourselves and have compassion for those who fail to understand that the glories of God and his Son’s second reign on this earth are happening whether or not they say so and not necessarily how they say so. As I explained before, God has given us the freedom to choose how to worship Him. There is no prescribed lifestyle that will get a ticket to ride (I love the Beatles—John and I frequently play chess up in heaven. I always win.)

To treat God with such remorse is a sin. To assume that you have the answers to righteousness is clearly to head in the opposite direction. There is no such thing as righteousness as far as you should be concerned. That is my decision to make and not yours. To claim that what I write is blasphemy is arrogant and faithless. Blasphemy is a result of intention—have you read what I have written? Even if I were not the Son of God, is what I suggest—that everyone be free to worship God as s/he will, to love each other, to listen to each other, to be fair and respectful and to have faith in humanity and life no matter what form it should take—is that bad? Of course not! And do you have so little faith that you would automatically assume that there is no possible way I could be whom I claim? How could you know unless you don’t really believe? Did you even consider the possibility, or did it scare you so that you automatically posted a comment claiming that you were horrified and offended? You claim to know me so intimately and yet, in the case that this really was mockery, you would have no compassion, no answers or engaging dialogue, only accusation and fear-mongering. May I have mercy on you? Of course. There are a few stipulations though.

Firstly, do not assume that this little lecture is intended only for those who are (literally) God-Fearing. Everyone is arrogant when they think they have the answers.

Secondly, faith is not as cut and dry as you would like to believe. You close your eyes very hard and pray for love, peace and joy and you obey all of the silly rules that somewhere along the line people (it certainly wasn’t me!) decided were imperative to belief in me, but when it comes right down to it, you’re missing the point. Belief is not the end of the road. Belief is synonymous with learning. Learning to know and love yourself and the people around you. Learning to know God. You can always know God more deeply. Most of you don’t know Him at all—especially those of you who claim you do. When teenagers fall in love, they are often more excited by the idea than they are acquainted with the thing itself. The same is true for a young soul.

Third, I don’t know why I have to keep repeating this, but I think it’s what people find most offensive (not even *remotely* funny). I have a bloody sense of humour, yo! So lighten up! Eternity is a long time and I have no intention of spending it with a bunch of sour, whineypants. Oh, and seriously, stop damning people to eternal pits of fire and brimstone and pain, it’s totally uncool of you.

Yay! Jesus Is Back!

Apologies are in order, my dears. Jesus has been away. Jesus has been away vacationing and otherwise “getting away from it all”. Jesus is also kind of a lazy bastard sometimes. Hey, if you had to do this, you would be too.

I recently stayed a week at a wonderful nudist retreat in the mountains. It’s really a great program, and though I can’t tell you the name of it, as it might reveal my human identity through some means, I can tell you that if you ever get an opportunity to attend a similar retreat, you should take full advantage of it.

The people who run the program have devoted their lives to meditation and different techniques of reaching higher consciousness. I had recently felt myself becoming bitter about the situation here on earth, and after I was busted smoking pot in the alley behind my friend Joe’s place, I became depressed. Clara and Pop totally helped with that. I spent the whole week meditating and frolicking across the countryside with my Johnson bouncing around for everyone to see. You would be surprised at how uncomfortable clothes feel now. Nudity truly is a freeing experience. I’ve already written some on censorship, so I don’t think I need to go into great detail, but it really is ridiculous that some people have such an issue with the human body. I have a cock, you have a cock—there’s really nothing about it that is in any way shocking or revealing.

What this retreat helped me to realise is that I must start reaching out. I’m not ready to actively begin my mission, but I also cannot just sit at home brooding about how badly people have fucked my message. I need to know what my people need. What are your concerns? What are your questions? Please, ask Jesus. Jesus cares. Direct all WWJDs to the address on the left.

One person has asked a question in a previous comment. It will be addressed shortly.

What Is a Christian?

Have you ever heard of identity theft? If you’ve ever had someone do it to you, then you know that it totally sucks. And you have some idea of what it’s been like for me on earth this time around.

When I first got the idea to create a blog, I hadn’t thought about what it would entail. I mean, I think everyone just assumes that they sign up with blogger or whichever host they choose and then start writing. But, it wasn’t that easy, as I’m sure most of you know.

First, my name was taken. Weird, it’s my name, why are other people using it? Then, all of the addresses with my name in it were taken. So, I took the liberty of going to check a bunch of them out, and you know what? It’s those damned fundie’s who think they can speak for me and know the meaning of life and death and everything. They are so annoying.

I mean, imagine someone telling ME to go and find Jesus. Happens all the time. Two jack-asses in suits came to my door the other day and said they wanted to talk to me about Christ’s word. If that’s not comedy, I don’t know what is. So, naturally, because I have such a wicked sense of humour and because I love all of my disciples, no matter how misguided or just plain stupid, I invited them in for an afternoon spot of tea.

Me: So what brings you here today?
Agent #1: The Lord brings us here as he brings us everywhere.
Agent #2: Yes, we’d like to talk to you about Jesus. Jesus died for your sins.
Me: Yeah, that really sucked.
Agent #2: Surely it did for Him, but the Lord is willing to sacrifice His comfort for our eternal salvation.
Agent #1: Are you familiar with the Lord our God and Saviour?
Me: Intimately. Are you familiar with irony?
Agent #1: Uhm…pardon?
Agent #2: What is it about irony that you associate with God?
Me: What God do you believe in Agent Bond…err sir?
Agent #2: There is only one God.
Me: And which God would that be?
Agent #1: The one true God who lives in the hearts of his children and who spoke through the writers of the Holy Bible.
Me: Yes, the Bible. What of that book? Is there any way to know what parts should be taken seriously?
Agent #1: The Bible is a very serious book, all of it is the word of God spoken through his chosen scribes.
Me: Scribes, hey? If they were so damned smart, then why are there multitudes of interpretations?
Agent #2: There is only one true interpretation, and that is why we are here today.
Agent #1: God wants you to know what that interpretation is. That is why he sent us here today. I am filled with joy to have reached a place where there is someone so open to learning about the true word of God.
Me: My sons, it is you who are the lucky ones. Please, do not assume that God would be so unjust as to disallow multiple ways of worshipping him.
Agent #1: There is only one way to worship Him, because it is the one way that He has laid out for us in the Good Book. That is not unjust—the Lord is most merciful, that is why he sent his only son to die for our sins.
Me: Yeah, bastard didn’t tell me about that one ‘til the last possible minute. Would you like some coffee?
Agent #2: I’m sorry, we don’t drink coffee.
Agent #1: We believe that coffee pollutes the body, which should be treated sacrosanct.
Me: Oh, that’s too bad, I love coffee. Jesus drank wine, didn’t he? I mean, do you think that is polluting the body?
Agent #1: Jesus didn’t drink wine, he turned water into wine. It was a miracle he performed when he was introducing the world to his divinity.
Me: No, Jesus drank wine. What about the last supper—if you were going to die, wouldn’t you want to get smashed?
Agent #1: Death is not the time to sin, it is a time to repent. Jesus gave His disciples His body and blood at the last supper, there was no wine.
Me: Ewww. Jesus drank wine, just trust me on that one.
Agent #2: Even if Jesus did drink wine, he would never get “smashed” as you say. Discouraging alcohol consumption is more to avoid the sinful lifestyle that accompanies it.
Me: Sinful lifestyle?
Agent #1: Yes, people who drink regularly tend to not be fulfilling their purpose according to God’s will.
Me: All this talk about God’s will. What about free will?
Agent #1: God gave us free will to test us. That is what this life is. There is a right way and a wrong way to live your life. God gave you the choice to accept his way or to accept our own—that is the only way to test who is righteous and who is not.
Me: So there’s only one right way.
Agent #2: Yes.
Me: So God would just abandon those poor starving kids in Africa who’ve never heard of Him?
Agent #2: Absolutely not. That is why God sends messengers, like Joseph and I. God is most merciful.
Me: So, it’s not good enough to just live a good life and be a good person?
Agent #1: That is only the beginning. You must also become a servant of God.
Me: I think you should go home and think long and hard about what we have talked about today. God does not abandon a good person if he leads a good life but doesn’t attribute his philosophy to Jesus Christ. Do not be so arrogant as to assume that your way is the only way to be a servant of God. God cares more that you live than that you fear Him and your demise. Please stop preaching otherwise.
Agent #1: I am sorry to see that you have lost our point.
Me: No, you have lost mine. Don’t worry, it simply means I have more work to do than I thought I did.

They left. Then, I turned on the TV and I was disturbed by what I saw: George Bush using my name for power, people using my name to claim piety over others, to sell things. That is not the meaning of Christianity. Being a Christian is not about subscribing to rules. The only rules you need to subscribe to are kindness and love, everything else is bullshit. I don’t care if you never step into a church and if you have never heard of me, as long as you live your life in this manner. Be assured that there are Christians out there who do not believe in my divinity and who do not claim that title. Why should they, when it is tainted with such hypocrisy? Christianity is more about adopting my fundamental philosophies than about whether or not you worship at a mosque, a temple or a church. Stop spreading injustice and intolerance in my name!

Darren from Cleveland writes:

Yo Jesus, you swear all the time. What’s up with people who say it’s wrong?

Good question Darren. I don’t fucking know. See, the thing about cursing is that originally it was kind of distracting. That’s because every time someone said “JESUS CHRIST!” my ears perked up and I would have to sort of look around before realising that it was just someone who stubbed their toe or spilled their coffee or got themselves pinned under their fat dead husband who died during sex (you’d be surprised). So, then I had to roll my eyes and go back to curing sick children or making the grass greener or whatever I’d been up to. It’s kind of like calling 911 when there isn’t any emergency.

However, I can’t actually listen to prayers in my human form, so you don’t have to worry. It seems the only people praying to me are fundamentalist Christians and as we know, they don’t believe in ME, they believe in the Totalitarian version of me. There are still some worthy causes out there, but I’ve resorted to getting my secretary, Cheriba, to keep track of them and forward them via email to God every time it’s something important enough. He does get to them all eventually; he just doesn’t have the time to jump right to it every time some teenage girl asks him if he will please make Joey notice her.

I don’t really find swearing offensive. The thing you have to remember about fundies is that they need a prescription for:

1. How to live their lives, and
2. Who to hate and feel superior to and
3. How to hate them

So, they hear some kid on the street swearing like a truck driver and are immediately supplied with:

1. A sense of superiority in their parenting style and in their moral behaviour
2. Something to talk about with their kids, spouses and friends

Cursing is an interesting concept though, and the fact that people find any words offensive seems absurd when you pick up your copy of Othello; it’s chock full of cursing. But, you aren’t going to find the words “Fuck”, “Bitch”, or “Shit” in there, and that’s because those words didn’t exist yet. So, what words did they have that were so naughty they had to be censored from some versions of the play? “Zounds!” is one. Say it now and it just sounds funny. So, I imagine in a few hundred years you’ll all be laughing about the words you’re using now and making up new ones to get offended by. Silly humans.

Besides, swearing is addictive. I personally catch myself saying “Jesus Christ!” all the time. I of course giggle afterwards, but initially I think it’s completely unconscious.

In conclusion, censorship is wrong.

On Human Consciousness

I wanted to clear a few things up about the nature of my human consciousness. First, as I said in my previous post, I am both human and endowed with some of the powers of my father, the Big G (that’s kind of an inside joke between the two of us—he gets kind of pissy if you use it too much). This does not mean that I am psychic, or fully omnipotent, but that I have what might be observed in normal humans as especially keen senses. Like, for instance, I can usually tell when something is bothering someone and I usually have an innate knowledge of some of the circumstances. I cannot predict the future and I don’t know what is going to happen at any given time. This is partly because, as I said before, I’m not psychic, but also because the Big G and I, even when not occupying a human form, generally do not know what is going to happen. I mean, what would be the fun in that? You create all of these people with free will and give them this place to play around in and you’re going to control their destinies? No, that gets really boring after awhile. So, after the first few thousand years of controlling your destinies as animals, we decided to let you evolve and go off on your own—hence, the free will factor.

The Big G and I (alright, I have to stop calling him that, he just shocked me through my iBook), THE LORD GOD (happy?) and I felt that my embodiment of a human form would be an eloquent symbol of the ability of all humans to reach that form of consciousness—enlightened, but also human. Unfortunately, many have chosen not to see it this way and instead have chosen to see being more like Jesus as an almost unattainable and uncomfortable feat. Instead of devoting time to honing their spiritual skills in an effort to reach true enlightenment, they have instead chosen to attempt the spiritual through the material. The puritan mantra of living in poverty, not enjoying one’s self and seeing beautiful human urges and experiences as hedonistic is an inversion of materialism. It is nothing but the result of an overly materialistic cultures attempt to find God through the resistance of its mainstream values and this philosophy results in:

1. A preoccupation with things
2. A preoccupation with concocting methods of being spiritual
3. An elite whose power relies on resisting these things and coming up with these methods

Note the highlighted words, and it becomes glaringly apparent that the mainstream interpretations of my message are just materialism in disguise. What a fucking crock, hey? Now you see why I’m so hopping mad. It’s like this: if you are enlightened, you will enjoy your life without the material superfluity of the unenlightened—this will come naturally. You won’t need to force yourself to live in poverty and to resist pleasurable urges (sex is a whole other entry, stay tuned)—in an enlightened state, everything is in harmony and nothing need be forced. Pursue your spiritual enlightenment and not your superficial dogmatic tripe!

Yay! Jesus Is Here!

There really is no need to introduce myself. By whatever means, I’m sure you already know of me and I therefore don’t need to go into excessive detail about the events leading up to this, my Second Coming on this earth. But, though many of you will claim to know me intimately and whole-heartedly think you know my thoughts and feelings on certain issues, I have begun this blog to tell you that you do not.

I have not yet revealed myself as the Son of God and the people around me, even my family and friends, do not yet know my presence in this context. To them, I am just a normal guy. This is partly true, and it is this part that those of you who are whole-hearted believers fail to truly see and understand. And this is where the trouble arises.

Being a normal guy and having the omnipotence of God at the same time is incredibly frustrating. I mean, to look around and see just how badly you’ve all fucked it up in the last two thousand years, you’d think I had never been here! Half the time I just want to kick everyone’s ass for being so goddamn narrow minded! Don’t get me wrong, I truly love each and every one of you because you are my children—but most of you are also total butt-holes. This was the motivation for creating this blog. My human frustrations can be vented here and I can use this medium to warm up to the whole preaching and teaching bit. Besides, everyone has a blog, so I figured Hey, why not Jesus? That’s one other thing getting in the way of you true believers being true believers; I have a wicked sense of humour. So, like, lighten up, would you?